I think I'll play some DDR tonight to burn some calories. I'm in the pool tomorrow for swim class. Woo. I'm actually a little excited about learning to swim now. :)
So, today I've eaten:
A Salad ~ 450 calories? Maybe?
Some Potato soup ~ 300
Some cake ~ 350
Hmm. That's already pushing it. I have GOT to stop the sweets every day. Seriously.
I started my anti-depressant again today. I feel like a failure. I was off it for so long, but things were just getting unbearable - this past week being the worst. I can't even pinpoint a single action that sent me over - it was everything. So.. as of this morning.. I'm drugged again...
I hate it so much...
I have a new reason - future career. I don't want to walk into an interview and have the person behind the desk thinking that I'm a fat slob with no self-control. I want to work for Disney, and I need to drop some weight. My goal is 160. I have 60 pounds to lose. Dear God, please please please help me.
Food today:
Just Bunches Cereal (Dry) - ~500 Calories
Broccoli and Cheese Soup - ~ 350 Calories
Deli Turkey - ~ 80 calories
Cookie and Ice Cream - ~ 300
(1230)
Still have supper left.
I have been good about avoiding hamburgers and fries at lunch, though. Now, if I can drop the ice cream and the snacking, I'd be in business.
Dinner may be a nice salad with turkey.
I exercised a little bit today, too. It's pitiful what I can do now compared to what I could do 40 pounds ago. Seriously. But every little bit helps, I suppose.
I want to take responsibility for my life. I want to create my life. I want to enjoy my life. After SO many years of having this constant nagging weight problem, it would be life changing to break free.
My roommate swears I have tetanus... she's so confident that we're waking up at 8:00 in the morning to go to College Health Services for a tetanus shot. I mean, I'm not even entirely sure it'll do anything if I HAVE tetanus.. My fingers are shaking something awful, my muscles are stiff (not sore, actually stiff), and my body just hurts - it feels like everything inside me is trying to curl up into a ball.
Waaaah, let me whine a little more. Geez.
I've eaten pretty bad today to top it all off. I've only eaten cereal, and not the healthy kind. But our air is broken, it's hot, and I only want cold cold cereal... At least I avoided the ice cream. Props there.
I haven't really much to say, but I wanted to post to enforce habit, if nothing else. Till next time!!
-Edit-
Ah, I forgot to mention that I DID step on a nail a week ago. I ignored it. Apparently, if I DO have tetanus, symptoms can take 3-14 days to appear. Hmm.
- Location:My office (The Psychology Workroom) :D
- Mood:
sick
I wonder how it happened - life has been so fast-paced I didn't even recognize. I took a new job this summer, and that's when I started putting the pounds back on. Staff training was centered around mealtimes, mentor meetings were done over lunch, and if you wanted to be a "cool" counselor, you took your kids out to dinner a few times. Then I started birth control for PMDD, and I couldn't lose weight anymore. Just a little over a year ago (around July, 2006), I started my weight loss journey at 230 pounds. Before I started gaining it back I was at 178, and I looked good, even for that weight.. Now? My lord, I'm back at 210. I feel horrible.. I'm tired all the time, depressed every time I look in the mirror, and I just want to hide from the world. My clothes are tight again... I'm absolutely dreading Thanksgiving when I see all my family who just praised my efforts last year. It hurts more now than it ever has...
So, I'm starting over! Here's my stats:
Age: 20
Highest Weight: 230
Lowest Weight: 178
Current Weight: 210
Short term goal: 190 by Christmas 2007
Longer term goal: 170 by April 2008
Long term goal: 150 by August 2008
Though this post is brief, I want to throw out some motivators to remind myself why I desperately want to lose weight :)
- To become more confident in all that I do.
- Use that confidence to start auditioning for theatre productions (especially musicals).
- FEEL better - have more endurance to blast through the day.
- Cosplay at an anime convention sometime next year.
- Take a dance class.
- Be able to shop for nice clothes and look good in business casual wear.
I want to change my life, really... I want to change it all. Losing weight is just the first step, and the biggest step, I have to take.
As it is nearing the holidays (and as I near the end of my sanity due to finals week), I’ve decided that this is the best time for me to reflect a bit. Actually, this is probably the worst time for me to reflect, for when a woman is on her “most wonderful time of the” month (yes ladies, I’m talking about that dreaded week of the PMSing), hardly anything good can be said of one’s struggle with weight.
Is there a memo that I missed about winter weight? Do people tend to “hold on” to things more in the winter? I could see why – adaptive traits and such. I’m a psychology major, however, I run with the biology crowd too. It makes sense, for if fat maintains warmth, and ages ago (I’m a creationist, by the way, so don’t read too much into this) people would’ve had to retain more fat in the winter months to keep warm. Well, we should stoppit. Completely. At one point about a month ago, I was down to about 180 pounds, and now, I’m a solid 190. It’s rather frustrating, especially when clothes that were looking good simply aren’t fitting right again.
That was a momentary lapse of purpose, for I wasn’t about to start on that track. I suppose it’s not a complete waste, though. Yes, I’m below 200 pounds, and I pray that I never near that number again.
At the beginning of my weight loss journey in June this year, I made a few goals that I wanted to accomplish. One, I wanted to be down a size before Christmas. Well, I’m into stretchy 16’s, even though they looked much better a month ago.. However, that’s two sizes. My mom just beamed at me when I tried on a pair of her pants and could wear them without bulging all over the place. It was a nice moment. Another goal? I wanted to go to my big family Thanksgiving and have people genuinely say that I had lost weight. Oh my gosh, did they ever. Many of the 30plus people that were there, I hadn’t seen in at least half a year. My aunts were nothing but compliments, my cousins said they could tell I feel so much better about myself, and even my uncles pulled me to the side (one by one, of course) to tell me that I was looking so much better. I’ve never felt so nice. And, for once, my gorgeous younger cousin (who is a complete attention hording …darling) was not the center of attention, and it irked her a bit.
Heh. I know I still have a ways to go, and there are moments (especially this week) that I feel a little discouraged. I just have to remind myself that I’ve come so far. Remind myself what I’ve accomplished… and remind myself that I am MORE THAN A NUMBER ON A SCALE!
As I look around today, it seems that, despite the fact that the world is growing in size (and yes, I mean belt sizes), people are getting more hostile towards larger men and women. Those who are the worst at such hostilities, why do they do it? Is it because fat is something so gruesome that it deserves ever sharp word, or is it because they’re afraid that what they’ve worked so long to maintain is no longer going to be the definition of beauty. I know personally that I’ve seen more and more larger people becoming healthier individuals – not necessarily by losing insane amounts of weight, but by exercising and eating right. It’s a gradual change many are working for, but it’s paying off. Perhaps beauty will be seen, not as a size zero, but a size four, six, or hell, twelve someday soon. Any thoughts?
Finally, I’m posting this to take note of my WINTER WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE. I’ve slipped up since coming back to school – my calorie counting is almost non-existent because the buffet style dinner is left only to guesstimating the counts. Anyway, as this all too busy semester comes to a close, I have some goals that I’m looking forward to working towards for the next semester:
- An ice cream fast. Ice cream has probably been the worst thing I’ve done. Now, a little every now and then is perfectly fine, right? Well, I got into the habit of a little bowl every day after supper. No good. So, I’m giving it up for 40 days. I’ve never done Lent, let alone really understood it, but I’m using the 40 days to focus on better eating choices. My loving, darling, bestest friend, however, just bought me this huge fancy chocolate bar. I was like, “Did you not get the concept BEHIND the ice cream fast?” … and then broke off a piece. I plan on giving half the thing to my roommate and making the other half last through finals week. ^-^
- A little bit of dancing every day. Dance Dance Revolution was the main part of my daily workout routine, and it was a wonderful calorie burner. This semester, I haven’t really had time for much of anything. I pulled DDR out about a week ago, and I was surprised at how my skills and endurance had waned a bit. I would like to get back into the habit of an hour a day. It’ll be easy at home where I can hook up the dance pad and just go at it – so, in two and a half weeks, I should be able to restart my habit.
- Maintain my weight loss journal. This thing. Yes, this blog. Hopefully you’ll see more to come very soon.
- Positive self-regard. I really need to work on my self-esteem some. I have this wonderful friend who always tells me how amazing I am because I just can’t seem to give myself credit for things I do. Or, sometimes, I’ll make a pretty derogatory comment about myself. She helps, but I really need to do some deep soul searching and figure myself out.
- Finally, it is my goal, through winter, to NOT gain weight, but to continue losing. I want to be down another pants size, and, by summer, another one or two. Eventually I want to be a size ten. I’m currently a size 16 (on a good day).. I have a long way to go.
I suppose I should return to my paper. I got no where near the things I was wanting to talk about in this blog. I suppose until I start posting regularly, I won’t able to be comedic and such, for now I’m so busy with updates, reflections, and planning future stuff that other things get pushed behind.
Best of luck all my brothers and sisters of this journey.
… Perhaps I’ll post progress pictures soon? ^-^
- Location:My dorm bed. Snuggly.
- Mood:
awake
--Edit-- I'm updating more than I thought. I'll give each section a little header. You can decide what you'd like to read. <3
// School Worries \\
I have anxiety. Actually, I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Before anyone scoffs and thinks that it's just one worrying, I've done my studies (heck, I'm in two upper level psych courses), and it is an actual disorder. Sometimes my thinking is a bit irrational. For the past month of school, I've been working on a huge history research project, a smaller history project, three psychology exams, six papers, and a plethora of weekly work that takes about six hours (on a good night) to complete for the day it's due. This week, well, I broke down. It was midterms week and every assignment seemed to converge on these few days. I worked all weekend through Tuesday on assignments to get them completed for Wednesday and Friday. Anxiety comes in the following form - when I'm working on something, I worry about how my professor will react to it and how I become incredibly concerned that he/she will be displeased with my work. This furthers more anxiety that I'll lose my standing in the class, never bring it back up again, and not only will my professor's be disappointed in me (I really like them, by the way), but my family will be disappointed in me. It is irrational, I know, but I can't really change it. It's what keeps me up each night.
Paragraph break. So, those nights at the beginning of this week that I did get stuff done, I couldn't sleep well because I worried about all the rest I still had left to do. Seriously, it would impair my sleep. It's always taken me over an hour or two to fall asleep, but these nights, I was lucky to get about three or four hours. Wednesday night I was awake until 6:00 in the morning working on a paper that should have been done the night before, but I just couldn't get around to it, and last night? Well, last night I didn't go to sleep. I had a bunch of work that was half done - only problem was, I still had that other half to do. It took, honest to goodness, all night long. By the time I finished, I only had time for a shower and then my first class. The rest of the day I was breaking down at one or two words and I'd cry. My eyes have terrible looking bags under them, and so on. However, another irrational belief I'm sure, I can't explain this to any of my professor's. It sounds like I'm making excuses, and I just can't deal with that.
But in summation, besides that nap I just awoke from, I've slept probably a total of ten hours this entire week.
Ouch.
Weight.Loss
When I began this journal (and I'm actually too lazy to go see the exact date), I weighed about 220 pounds. That's embarassing when you've been at that point for so long. The summer before this past one, I'm sure I weighed more than that, but I never got on a scale. That summer I could hardly fit into size 20 pants, and because I was in denial, I attributed size 22's to the pant style. This is just a reflection to help me put into my perspective what I've lost.
On a good day, I weight 190 pounds.
190.
When I started this lifestyle change, I had my doubts that I'd ever see below 200, and here I am..
I bought my first size 16 pants this weekend, but I think it's only because they are pretty stretchy. Size 18 jeans are a little loose, but 16's are a little snug. I'm inbetween sizes, but you know what, it's okay. I'm still discouraged by my weight many times because I feel that no matter what I do, and no matter how many pounds the scale says I've dropped, I still look fat. Argh. It usually comes after I've been bad, i.e. this weekend. My mom came to visit me here at college, and I feel the only thing I did this weekend was eat. This paired with school stress? Well, I've had a bad week.
But I'm coming along, slowly but surely. ^-^
x|| Fat || Reflections ||x
When I started this journal, I wanted to have more of a "what it's like to be fat" feel, and (besides the first two posts), I don't think I've fulfilled that goal. So, briefly (because I just realized how tired I really am), I'm going to go into a few issues weighing (oh my goodness, is this a pun) on my mind.
If you're fat, don't make fun of fat people. Period. I'm starting to wonder who is more ruthless - skinny girls or fat girls in denial. I've been the target of snide remarks by both, and I'm thinking the latter can be even more harmful. At least, to me it has. Let me put into context what I'm talking about: a group of smaller, popular girls and a larger friend all look at you and each take a verbal jab or two. Usually it's those "popular" girls (the mean ones, not the nice ones ^^) that do the ridicule, and one begins to wonder how the big girl of the group managed to get into that crowd. Perhaps she was friends with them growing up, and because so, she was automatically a part of the group. Unfortunately, that doesn't make her exempt from their hateful remarks. I've seen those people tear each other down as soon as one turns their back.
-Note- I only validate saying "fat" because I'm fat myself. XD
That probably didn't make much sense now that I've written it, but all the well - I'm tired.
Another random thought: are people nicer to you once you begin losing weight?
I've always been a sociable person, but this year (in comparison with last), I've had so many more pleasant social encounters. It's nice. ^-^
o0 Closing Remarks 0o
I hope to keep this journal more up to date. Other than the school update, I didn't give much insight into my weeks and such. I want to get some more reflections, find media stuff to argue with, and overall stay positive on my journey with weight loss. I only updated tonight because the wonderful Amy (
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
goal145) sent me reminder of the last time I posted. Thanks, dear.Goal kinda things?
- Exercise a lot on the weekends until I can get back into a less stressful week that allows for formal exercise. I'm still walking a lot during the week, but I haven't been to the gym in about three weeks. It's the anxiety, I'm telling you.
- Thanksgiving is coming up, and I'd love to be down a bit more before meeting with all my family. They tell me each year that I look like I've lost weight, and it's always so fake. I want to hear it once be genuine.
- Christmas is in the same boat. Except I want to be down a lot by then. And I want to see that one guuuy that I love back home, but I don't want to do so until I've lost some more.
- Wedding - My friend asked me to be her maid of honor in her wedding following Christmas. I'm so worried about the dress!
- Next semester - I want to use next semester to really get in shape for the summer. I want to be a camp counselor, and the only people I've ever seen at this camp are, well, unfat. *Chuckle* I have to get that way before I can do it.
Anyway, in closing, I hope to post something far more coherent soon. I'm going to sleep now. Best of luck to all those out there!
- Location:Under mah blankets.
- Mood: tired
- Music:Trans-Siberian Orchestra - "Beethoven's Last Night"
So, this might be a rather long post cause I'm going to throw a bit of background stuff in here and there.
- Location:Runnin' to the railroad track..
- Mood:
hopeful - Music:DDR's "Captain Jack" <3
My battle with my weight has taken me through some very different places - at times I've been confident, at times shy - and my most recent bought was with depression. I've been depressed about my weight for quite some time, even before I decided to create a diet journal and actively start making the change once again. Well, I went to church yesterday morning and had a revelation or two.
First of all, I'm not depressed anymore. I'm not happy, or complacent about my weight, but I'm not depressed. I feel that I'm this way for a reason, cause God knows I don't know what I want to do with my life. Maybe I'm supposed to go through this time, absolutely fight to lose the weight, and then help others.. I just have to help myself first.
And second, which really has nothing (or maybe everything) to do with weight loss - I have to completely surrender to God. Like, every part of my life, and maybe someplace in there is the reason why I eat or crave even when I'm not physically hungry. I'm not saying I'm 100% obedient or ever will be, but just when I hear or feel something strongly, I just have to listen. At church, there was the invitation for people to come pray at the alter, and while I didn't feel like I needed to go up there to pray, I kept hearing "Go." After asking why so many times, I got the simple answer "I want you to bow to me." And I did. I bowed up there, and was just like, "Okay God, here I am."
Here I am.
Other than all that, I've given into a few cravings - probably the wrong ones - recently. Tonight, I had icecream.. Not as much as I'd normally have, so that's a plus, right? I'm kinda bummed cause there's this guuuuy...
There's always a guy..
*Laughs* Anyway, like I was saying, there's this guy that I used to absolutely be in love with. Like, we pretty much grew up together (he's four years older than I am) but for the past two year's he's been working at another church and is living there and stuff. He's going to be at my church Sunday, and here I am going to be all bloated up. I know it'll be pretty much a "Hi, how are you?" thing, but I'd still like to look nice. Better than what I did when I left.. Yeah, I wish that would happen in a week.. xD
So, I think it's about time for me to outline some goals.
Short term goals:
+ Christmas - Be comfortable in a sixe 16. Not feel huge at the family reunion. Have family members say "Tonya, you've lost weight!" and mean it.
+ May - Come home from college in May looking a LOT better than what I left. Size 14 by now would be nice.
+ Atlanta Con Time - Don't know the date, but perhaps I'll get to cosplay with goal145! Yay!
Long term goals:
Happy
Healthy
Size 12-ish? ^.^
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:Full Moon wo Sagashite Soundtrack! Yay! ^.^
I'm a little down today, simply because I'm tired.. couldn't sleep last night, no matter what I did, so I just thought. a lot. Heh, I like the guy I work with, but it's one of those "Yeah, it'll never work" kinda deals. We have fun together and all, but he's a guy - a guy who other, smaller girls like as well. But it's fun to entertain thoughts about what things might be like -next- summer. ^.^ Goodness, one year from now.. I'm hoping for a big change.
I don't know what it is lately, but it seems that more people are being vocal about their looks/weight/etc. Has it always been like that and I've been oblivious? Well, it just kills me when someone obviously smaller than myself says something along the lines of how fat they are. There are some people I've spoken to that, when they make that comment, I feel that they're taking a stab at me: "if I'M fat, what are you?". And others I feel sorry for.. But yeah, just thought I'd throw that out there..
I'm so tired. I'm not even writing coherently. xD
Goodnight, all, and thanks for keeping up with me. My next update will be happy! I promise! ^.^
- Mood: exhausted
- Music:"How Strong Do You Think I Am" Alex Johnson
I'm a little disappointed in my mom in terms of my weight battle. She's told me many a time that she's willing to help me out with whatever I need, but then cooks a big meal of greasy hamburgers and french fries. Hey, I would've enjoyed it a month or so ago, but it seems more recently that I don't even enjoy the food I do eat. It's not that I'm thinking about the calories, I'm thinking about my fat. All my family is rather large, though I have to say I'm probably the one that needs the most work. I'm tempted to believe that's why my mom won't really become active in my battle: she's afraid she'd have to start as well.
Hell, it'd do us all some good.
Last night a friend of mine that I hadn't really seen in about a year stayed the night over here last night. We did some catching up, and she actually said she thought I had lost weight. I disagreed, and then we got onto the topic of large, beautiful women. I must say that this friend, for years, struggled with anorexia and she's now at a healthy weight that I'd like to someday see myself at. She made the comment that it's nice that bigger girls are getting more comfortable with themselves, but she feels that they shouldn't wear anything revealing (even if it fits) in public. "It's like, at the mall, you'll see a bigger girl trying to make someone small trying to feel bad for being small and that's not how it should be."
Damn. Thanks.
So, let me get a few things straight with myself and any reader that happens upon my journal. There is a part of me that doesn't dress up when the opportunity arises because the stuff I have just doesn't seem to work right for me. There is a part of me that, every time I look in the mirror makes a snide remark. There is a part of me that, when I pass clothing stores that carry nothing plus size, feels a little sick. But in turn, there's a part of me that, sometimes, says "hey, look, you're pretty.." I'm not hot, but I am pretty..
Standards. Oh goodness, we all have them, and all are influenced by society: agree or disagree. Why have our standards become loud to almost a violent degree. There is nothing wrong with being an outspoken person who voices opinions, until it's an opinion on another person. Well, that's my opinion.. Heh. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to get at (whether I'm successful or not) is today it seems that society wants hot, and while a person can be nice and pretty, they are still the perfect subject for ridicule.
I've always felt that if I don't have my looks, I have my personality. I've gone out of my way all my life to help another person, friend or not, actually.. And then, walking away I've heard a cruel remark. Why? Why are people like this? I don't know why I keep on going back to my high school years - wait, yes I do. Never in my life have I felt more comfortable with myself than I have at college where people just accept you.. In high school? No one talks to the fat girls..
It'll rub off on you.
Cause that's how fat is transferred.
Note the dripping sarcasm here.
Anyway, maybe that's why I'm starting this more active approach now.. I used to want to lose weight to match the standards of my peers. Now? Now I believe I'm setting my own standards. I'm still not completely comfortable with myself, and I still avoid doing many things simply because of my weight, but I'm not as bad as I used to be.
I'm going on a morning walk in about six hours. Yay. I'll have my iPod and probably about 3 miles of open road. ^.^
For any reading this, please comment so I'll know you're there! I promise quality reading time of your LJ and a lovely lil' comment! -Giggle- And best of luck to all those struggling with anything. God bless you all.
- Location:My kitchen. How ironic. XD
- Mood: relieved
I'm fat (-watches as a few readers leave- ...). I've always been a large person entertaining the thoughts of what it would be like to be slender. I'm a college student, almost twenty years old, and in a size 18 or 20 jeans. This isn't my only online journal, but it's the one I plan to be most brutally honest with myself on. If this appears disconnected, it's simply an outpour of everything I wanted to begin this journal with. Continuing.
I'm 220 pounds. It hurts. And it won't come off. Please believe me (and that brutal honesty I was talking about up there) when I say that I try to lose weight. I go to the gym where I can run on ellipticals for 35 minutes (started at maxing out at six minutes) and lift a good amount of weights. I build muscle, which is a nice effect, but I'm unable to lose body fat. I don't eat a lot either.. I've been tested for diabetes and a thyroid problem, both negative. Thank God. And my doctor has attributed my "little" problem to genetics. I have a big family, in both size and stature, and their families were large as well. Damn genetics.. Well, at least I got pretty eyes out of the deal...
I'm an actress.. Aspiring. While I'm in love with the stage and the magic of cinema, I doubt I'll make it. Does Hollywood need any more fat actresses? I'm using the term "actress" loosely too, for I consider acting a major part of one's daily regimen. Don't get me wrong - I'm genuine when it comes to other people, but when it comes to myself, I often act more confident .. more happy, than what I really am. When I walk into a room, I'm all smiles as I secretly scan to see if I'm the largest there. If I go out to a dinner or something, I'm afraid that the people I'm with, even the most darling of friends, are wondering what the fat girl is going to eat. And I've been told I'm beautiful, only to be left wondering if it was just a kind gesture..
So, why the journal? I'm glad you asked. I've tried much in this struggle to lose weight, but I've never been able to ask for a support group from my friends. Not that they aren't good friends, it's just, they're all skinny and never want to talk about weight issues. Then, tonight, it hit me: the internet. I'd love to provide some entertainment (and I do plan to do so, especially once school is back in session) for those late night blog readings, and in turn, just reading some comments to know I have support (or challenges) would make me feel wonderful.
But quickly, before I close up this introductory entry (I promise other entries will rarely meet this length), let me fill you in on a few goals of mine:
= I don't want to be skinny - with my large frame, I doubt I'd look good as a SKINNY person. I'd love to drop about 60 pounds.
= I want to be able to just go out and do stuff without that constant nagging embarrassment of being big. I've passed up opportunities for fun things like ice skiing and cosplaying at anime conventions because I didn't want to be laughed at..
= As juvenile as this sounds, I want a boyfriend.. I'm tired of being the buddy, ya know?
= May I be juvenile once again? There is a part of me that wants to look better to somewhat show up a few people I went to high school with. High school.. It was kinda hard...
= And finally, I want to feel and look more healthy. Yay!
How do I plan on doing this? I found a strict diet that I'm planning on starting. That along with exercise? Sound good?
I plan on updating at least once a week with my success and failures, comedies and the opposing. Hee, and I'm sure I'll have things other than that revolving around my weight loss. But do understand, this is my take on being fat in America.
I can't thank you enough for sticking around this long. I do hope you enjoy!
Much love!
- Location:Home.. Fighting the terribly slow internet.. :D
- Mood: optimistic
